Shame is one of the most powerful and destructive emotions carried by survivors of domestic abuse — and it doesn’t discriminate.
Both men and women experience deep shame after abuse, but the roots of that feeling, and how it shapes recovery, often differ.
Understanding these differences is vital if we want to help people heal without judgment or fear.
For Women: The Weight of Self-Blame and Fear
For many women, shame after abuse grows quietly over time. It’s fuelled by fear, self-doubt, and the false belief that they share responsibility for what happened. Years of manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control can cause victims to internalise their abuser’s voice — questioning their worth, decisions, and even their memories.
Thoughts like “I should have seen the signs,” or “I should have left sooner,” often linger long after the abuse ends.
Cultural narratives don’t help — too often, society asks “why didn’t she leave?” instead of “why did someone choose to hurt her?”
For many women, shame becomes tied to how they believe others will see them — as weak, naïve, or complicit — when in truth, they have survived something few can truly understand.
For Men: The Struggle with Identity and Masculinity
For men, the shame that follows domestic abuse often cuts into their sense of identity. Many are taught from a young age that “real men” are strong, in control, and capable of protecting themselves.
When that identity is shattered by abuse, it brings an almost unbearable conflict — between the reality of being hurt and the pressure to appear invulnerable.
Internal thoughts might sound like:
“If I were stronger, I’d have stopped it.” “People will laugh or won’t believe me.” “Men don’t get abused — not really.”
Because of this conditioning, men are far less likely to report abuse or ask for help. Their silence can harden into isolation, frustration, or despair. Over time, that emotional weight can become too heavy, leading to depression, withdrawal, or even suicide.
Some researchers call these cases “hidden homicides” — deaths rooted in the invisible wounds of abuse and unacknowledged trauma.
The Invisible Divide in Recovery
Women and men both deserve safety, healing, and understanding — but the paths available to them often look very different.
For women, there are more visible routes to recovery: shelters, advocacy services, awareness campaigns, and growing societal recognition of what abuse looks like.
Men, however, often find themselves without language, representation, or safe spaces to turn to. The words “victim” or “abuse” may not feel like they apply to them, especially when they’ve been told all their lives to “man up” or “handle it.”
That lack of recognition keeps many men trapped in silence — and that silence is where shame thrives.
Safe, supportive environments where men can talk openly, without judgment or expectation, can be life-changing. When men are allowed to share their experiences freely, healing begins — not in secrecy, but in solidarity.
Moving Forward: Rewriting the Narrative
Both men and women face immense challenges when breaking free from abuse, but their internal narratives differ.
Women often ask, “Why didn’t I leave?”
Men often ask, “Why didn’t I stop it?”
Both questions are rooted in pain, misplaced responsibility, and the lingering effects of control. Neither should carry blame.
Shame thrives in silence — and the only way to break its grip is to talk about it openly. Healing begins the moment someone realises they are not alone, that their experiences are valid, and that there is no weakness in survival.
When we remove judgment, listen with empathy, and make room for every survivor’s story — regardless of gender — we create the possibility of real change.
Because abuse doesn’t discriminate, and neither should compassion.
Amanda x